* Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

* I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

* I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

* Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter —– The Living Room or The Bedroom

* PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

* Home-schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

* I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

* This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog… we laughed a lot.

* So, after this quarantine… will the producers of “My 600 Pound Life” just find me or do I find them?

* Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

* My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

* Day 5 of Home-schooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

* I’m so excited — it’s time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

* I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom.

* Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

* Day 6 of Home-schooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year”… I’m offended.

* It’s better to be 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.