Many years ago I was working a job as an assistant at a private school.

There was a little boy there with major behavior problems: kicking, cussing, being destructive, etc.

I was at my wits end trying to keep the other kids safe and the classroom peaceful. When he got out of control I used to hold his hand, but he’d yank and fight it like crazy.

Eventually, I used a trick my dad had taught me and held his hand by the fleshy part just above the wrist bone.

Because it was painful for him when I held him tighter, he stopped pulling.

Additionally, I held him by the ear to accomplish the same thing and put my hand on his cheeks to get him to look at me when I was talking.

There were two other children I was rough with, too.

I also put my hand on their faces to make them look at me when I was talking.

I hate myself for what I did. It was so, so wrong. He needed help. They all needed a grown-up that was in control.

I grew up in a family where being rough was the norm. I thought it was normal at the time, the way I treated him.

After all, I would see kids pulled by the ear all the time in cartoons.

God I’m stupid.

I still work with kids, and I’m often praised for how patient I am.

I feel like I’m the only one who knows I’m a monster.