In blended families, it’s common for parents to have differing views on how to handle their children. Colleen’s husband continues to provide financial support to his 19-year-old daughter, who is pregnant and already a mother of two. Meanwhile, Colleen feels that her stepdaughter should not be coddled and needs to learn to take responsibility for her actions. This clash in parenting styles led to a situation that went terribly wrong, and Colleen has shared her story with us.
Here is Colleen’s letter:
My husband’s 19-year-old daughter has two kids by different men and is pregnant again. She expects her dad to bankroll her life. I said, “If you can’t discipline her, I will!”
So, I drained all the money in our shared savings account and bought a flat behind his back to stop him from helping her. This way, he wouldn’t be able to waste another penny on her. I was confident we wouldn’t need that money, as our salaries could easily cover our monthly expenses as a couple.
A few days later, I walked into our bedroom and froze. My clothes were packed in boxes. My husband had left a note beside them that read, “If you’re so determined to make decisions on your own, then you can live on your own too-in the new flat you bought!”
Later that day, I received a horrific call from my stepdaughter. She said, “You can’t expect my dad to turn his back on his only daughter!” and then she hung up.
I am shattered. I did this to protect both our interests from his exploitative daughter, and I don’t deserve to be treated this way. It’s been a few days, and I haven’t moved out, but he refuses to talk to me. Can you please advise me?
– Colleen
Hi Colleen! Thank you for sharing your story with us. We’ve prepared 4 pieces of advice that we believe can help you.
Seek mediation or couples counseling.
Given the emotional and financial conflicts, involving a neutral third party could help. A mediator or counselor can facilitate a discussion between you and your husband to address the underlying issues.
This professional might help clarify each other’s perspectives, restore communication, and find a resolution that acknowledges both your concerns and your husband’s responsibilities.
Reevaluate financial decisions and transparency.
Consider discussing the financial decisions and future planning openly with your husband. Since you drained the shared savings account without his consent, it’s crucial to establish a clear, mutually agreed-upon approach to handling finances moving forward.
This might involve setting up separate accounts for personal expenditures and jointly managed accounts for shared expenses, ensuring that both parties are informed and agree on financial decisions.
Engage in a direct conversation with your stepdaughter.
It may be beneficial to address the situation directly with your stepdaughter. An honest conversation about her expectations and how her actions have impacted your relationship with her father could help clear misunderstandings.
Express your intentions and concerns, and listen to her perspective to potentially reach a better understanding and find common ground.
Consider moving out temporarily for reflection.
If the tension remains high and communication isn’t improving, temporarily moving out might provide space for both you and your husband to reflect on the situation. This physical distance could give you time to think about your relationship and future steps without the constant emotional strain.
Use this time to assess what you both need and whether there’s a path forward that respects both your needs and your husband’s.